I still pretend that you are alive

Love of my life,

Its 67th day without you. 67th day i managed to pass without you by my side laughing and looking at me with those loving big brown eyes. 67th time of me trying to live without you. 67th day of me trying to breathe without hurting.

Everyone around me acts like everything is fine. As if life is happy merry journey while i know its not! I wanna cry and shout at their face that nothing is

I write about you everyday i scribble things then try to strengthen it try to make it sound presentable but i fail to do so. My whole life fell apart when you left me and now getting anything intact is impossible for me.

I have formed routine for me so i don’t have to remember you and ease the pain. I work till midnight so when my head hits pillow i can go to sleep instead of waiting for you to put your arms around me.

I know if you were here you wouldn’t approve me writing this but, remembering you and all our time together keeps me sane. It helps me to be a human and reminds me to live.

I know people say this all the time and a lot these days that time will ease my pain and i will learn to live but they god damn don’t know that my time stopped the day your heart decided to stop. My life was buried along with you and now i am just a flesh! Pretending to be alive, pretending to breathe.

Today I saw my mom looking at me as if i am a ghost. She said i look pale and I should take a break from my work. How do i tell her that i cannot? How do i tell her that I need distraction from my thoughts? How do i tell her that if it wasn’t labeled selfish I would have followed you wherever you are now.

Babe, I cannot breathe without feeling guilty , without thinking why you and not me? Someday i like to think that you never wanted to win that fight, that you gave up too easily on life,on us!

You didn’t think about me and about us!

No matter what i do or how much do i try to convince myself I cannot seem to do it right! I just cannot seem to remove my thoughts about following you.

It’s impossible to live another day again exhausting myself but I think i have to.

Laters Love,

Alisha