Healing

I almost didn’t write this. But I am not writing it to you. I am writing it for me.

I am still angry, and sad, and my heart is still shattered. I am still shocked at how you could become so cold to me when you were my everything just a few short months ago. I am still confused, still waking up from the nightmare, and accepting it as reality. A new reality. Where you aren’t there to hold, and look at in awe whenever I want to.

But I am learning to heal.

I have had to heal from a lot of things, and I am still healing from so much that’s happened to me. Every day, I wake up and I go on, I move forward. And most days, I cry. And that’s okay. It’s okay to miss you.

I am starting to see you for the person you truly are. Someone that I loved, but who chose to leave me. Someone that I cherished, but who stopped believing that we could make it work.

And I am learning to forgive you. I haven’t yet, and I don’t know when I will. But I can feel it, someday the time will come. Maybe it won’t come until I meet someone else, and start telling him about what happened with you, and he’ll look at me the way you never really did.

And maybe it will be before then.

But I know, when it happens, it won’t be for you.

I won’t forgive you to give YOU the peace of mind. I know you can do that yourself, and after so long, I now know it isn’t my responsibility to get rid of your guilt. I will forgive you so that I can love myself and others, in the way I did when I first fell in love with you. I will let go of all the hurt and pain, and start to love everything again. Start to believe in myself, and in happiness, and love.

It may take a long time for me to heal, and to move on, longer than it takes you, and that’s okay too.
Because I can feel it now. I can feel the healing. I can see the light, at the end of the darkness.

Until Next time

-XoXo

Alisha Thapa

Professional Over Sharer

Many people ask me why most of the things I write are sad. Well, that’s how you start writing. Diamonds are made under pressure. A lot of pressure. So, I also started writing when i was in my lowest and unhappiest stage. When there was absolutely no-one who could look into my eye and tell me that they understand what I am going through.

So, When people ask me why sad stuff?? I tell them, “I’ve got clinical depression. An anti- happiness DNA.” I mean, I don’t sell happiness. I don’t write about Christmas lights and mistletoe. Well, i do write about falling in love but you get it right?

I tell people when they ask something about people enjoying other people’s misery. We’re all very into fiddling for a next big heartbreak and tragedy, scanning the scandal and watching people from a comfortable distance. Writing about how bad you feel, every now and then but that’s it!

I get it. I feel same way. I love listening sad stories,like come tell me how he broke your heart or how she walked all over your loyalty. I love listening to sad songs, overthinking lyrics and crying with book characters. It’s our guilty pleasure. We all find comfort in it. It is, after all, something universal. The feeling of loneliness, of fear, of melancholy.

When I write happy things, no one cares. Noone comes up to me saying how they loved knowing that i had a great birthday or send me any emails. Well, I care, but they don’t!!! Which is okay because I’ve always been just self-obsessed enough to get enjoyment out of what I do, regardless of if others seem into it. I am wired that way but my readers seem to disagree with me.

The reader wants to feel understood. They want to feel better about their own pain, so they go searching for those who share. Or those who have it worse. I write something weepy about an ex? Oh, they go nuts. The crowd freaking roars. But it’s unifying. It’s validation that they’re not alone.

Happiness doesn’t need that kind of validation. Happy people are just..happy. There’s no need for someone to package it back to you. But sadness is a cruel step sister who doesn’t cooperate and tries to put its freaking fat feet in everyone’s shoe.

So internet is oasis for people like me who thinks our misery will be the end our life but internet shows us other way around. It tells us that there are people miserable than us and they made it so we will too. Or maybe we are just a bunch of cruel people, Maybe……

People tell me to write about them and some tells me not to mention them.

I say, “Okay.” I don’t go begging them for a story.

But I do think about what they meant. Only later do I realize how stifling this is. I never set out to hurt anyone or embarrass them through my words. Never do I write to be vindictive.

Still, I have a story. Am I not allowed to share that? Am I not allowed to speak it out loud? Am I not allowed to use place i have got?

I catch myself pausing before letting my fingers hit the keyboard. Rewriting words, reading different blogs and trying to understand if they also said “Okay” and let their story go every time someone said “No”.

Well probably not, else there won’t be so much to read.

People who ask me not to mention are still reading my writings. I know they are still checking in. I know they are looking for one foul play. These are the people who invest their energy on me.

“Don’t write about me.”

This is the internet writer’s dilemma. What do you do when your passion involves sharing your life? What do you do when writing provides you solace?

Should you sugarcoat? Where is the guidelines? How much should you say? What should you keep locked inside?

I don’t have the answers. I am constantly second-guessing myself.

We don’t always write about the people who flatter themselves thinking we do. We don’t always shine a spotlight on everyone we meet. On contrary to what people think, not everyone leaves imprint in our life.

First and foremost, we are creators. We create magic and wonderlands and hope for people who invest their time reading what we have to offer. We wrote poems on napkins. We constructed songs in backseats. We wrote love story on bench and notebooks.

I mean i am a old school hypocrite.

I’m a professional over-sharer. I always have been. I extrapolate my feelings. Sharing is just part of me. Just who I am.

Who cares what people are saying about what I write? As a child, I was taught to share. I  was told it’s an incredible gift. And I still choose to think like that.

I’m a professional oversharer. An internet writer. An avid reader.

I would continue to tell my story as long as I live.

Until next time 🙂
-XoXo

Alisha

For Granted

You wake up and see her blowing your phone with text message which is too much for you to take in. You think she is naive and ignore her text without giving second thought about texting back. You think she is just too much to keep up with. Too much to love, too much to give and too much of work!

When you started dating her you thought you won’t be like her ex or like anyone. You will let yourself loose and be the one for her.

But you see her a vulnerable, a selfless lover with the kindest heart and you do things you thought you would never, misuse and misutilize. Gradually, You make her feel inferior knowingly or unkowingly.

You just do it because she lets you. Maybe, you never realized it because she let you all out of unconditional love.

You treat her like she doesn’t matter because you know she’s always going to forgive you and give you chances you probably don’t deserve. You treat her the way you do because the truth is you don’t value her or respect her as much as she does to you and if you did you wouldn’t treat her like that. You wouldn’t make her feel like she should try hard, work hard to be with you.

If you loved her you wouldn’t play hard to get. You wouldn’t love her less. You wouldn’t give half of love back while she is offering you a whole universe.You become the person taking away any confidence she had stripping her of it and making her feel like nothing.

You push her away because you think she’ll always be there. Smiling and being kind and allowing you to pick her up and drop her whenever you feel like.

You treat her like object because it boosts your confidence to know someone like that cares enough about you to tolerate a lot of your bullshit. You objectify her, insult her and question her past and present because you know she isn’t going to let you go. You test her everyday,you criticize way she laughs and talks so she can match your way of perfect girl.

You put restrictions, you want her to say what you wanna hear, you want her to act way you want because it is nice to see you can control this women who you thought was uncontrollable.

You make her feel empty every time she pour her heart out and you somehow avoids the subject and diverts it back to yourself .

But if she treated you the way you treat her you’d hate her.

But she doesn’t treat you the way you treat her. Because it isn’t nice and it hurts like hell to be the person on the other end of that bullshit.

But in time, she’ll stop.

The truth is she will realize it. And while you’ve been clear, she draws blurry lines and eventually, she’ll just get tired of trying so hard for someone she thought was worth it. Someone she wouldn’t have given up on. Someone she loved unconditionally. She will care less eventually.

And you will hate her for not texting you often or caring less or treating you way you treated her.

But by then it’ll be too late. Because as much as she cares and she wanted you at one time, she doesn’t want someone who had to change her into someone she wasn’t just to see her worth and want her back.

She will just stop because she will realize her worth.

She will realize she is worth much more than just a boy who treats her way he wants.

Trust me!

Until next time

-Xoxo

Alisha

I miss you

I miss you! Passing each day without you seems like i am a prisoner who is counting days to cut down sins.

I miss you and i realize that what I miss is not a place but the comfort of your arms, the familiarity of your touch on my skin. I don’t feel an ache to be where you are, necessarily, but be with you,making even the most foreign of places feel familiar.
I am homesick for you. I am not longing to return to any specific spot on the map or to relive a certain memory or feeling, but I long to remember the taste of your cologne on my lips, the softness of your cheeks, the way I felt so whole and at ease when you leaned over to me and brushed a loose strand of hair from my face.
I just want to be with you—location irrelevant—because time stops with every kiss. It’s not about wishing I could return somewhere, not about boarding a flight or a train to travel to you, but somehow fighting space and distance to be somewhere in the same moment, wherever that may be.

I am constantly reminded of you, I am forever imagining you standing next to me, I am always picturing what it would be like if you were here, touching the small of my back or making me laugh over something silly.
I miss you so much,it doesn’t matter where i am ,I never feel as if I belong without you by my side.

There’s a dull, numbing ache at the pit of my heart reminding me that there’s something missing when you are not around.

Time passes slowly, each minute dragging into the next until I can finally hear your voice, a little reminder that you , too, are feeling the heaviness of every long day without me. I cannot make sense of why my life is so full and yet I sometimes feel so empty, why I am always in one place but wishing to be somewhere else, why I feel so lonely even though i am not alone.

I cannot find where I fit unless it’s with one another, making a dwelling in one another’s hearts, one another’s souls.

I am willing to do whatever I can to bring us together, to erase the space and distance and hours that have nestled between us. I learn how to love through the obstacles. I learn to make homes out of one another.

I have learned to love you endlessly and tolerate distance counting days to finally be able to see you. 

I miss you and its just not will to be with you. Every nerve, every tissue of my body is waiting to be able to sense you and touch you. 
Until next time

-XoXo

Alisha 

You Will Be Okay!

I know you are broken now, giving up thinking now its impossible to mend yourself. I know you keep on going back to your conversation and try to find happiness or at least calm your burning soul. I know your heart is hurting. I know your whole body is aching. Aching for him or for her. Aching for the past, for the years when your body felt whole. I know you keep getting burned by matches that scald your skin and mark your bones, and you just let yourself crumble. And I know it hurts too much to make it stop.

I know you are tired. Tired of all the pain and all the floods of sadness that hit your rib cage. And I know you think that it will always be like this. That you will always love him or love her. I know that you think that time won’t change a thing. That time won’t heal your hurting soul.

But please know, someday, one day, your heart will hurt a little less. And you won’t feel like this anymore. And you will be ok.

I know today you see the sun and it burns your eyes, but someday it will bring you comfort. It may even bring you joy when it hits your tired, swollen eyes.

And I know today you see your body and you despise all of it. You hate your legs and the way your thighs shake when you walk. You hate your cheeks that are reddened from your salty tears. You hate your lips that used to get kissed by an angel. And I know right now, you hate yourself. And you hate all of those people who left you.

But someday, you will look in the mirror and you will like how your eyes gleam a little brighter. And you will like the way your legs can take you places that that boy will never know of. And you will smile at yourself. And you will be ok.

And I know today you miss the hell out of him or her or them. I know today, you miss everything that your life once was. You miss that city or that place you saw him for the first time. You miss being pampered and not having a care in the world. You miss the way he hold you and made you feel safe. You miss the way your hands used to find their way back to each other and just stay locked.You miss the past and the person that you used to be.

You miss being carefree, not giving damn. When you didn’t know what sadness felt like. You miss not knowing what pain was. What loss was. What longing was.

And I know you think this feeling will float around your heart forever. You think you will always be haunted by the ghost of your past and of who you were before you met this person. But please know, someday you will be free of this pain. You will be free of this heartache and this haunted space.

And someday you will be able to breathe without it hurting so much. And you will be able to smile, without him or her or them. Someday, your heart will beat again. And it’s not going to sting.

And you will be okay.

Love yourself and be your own cheerleader.

Until next time

-XoXo

Alisha

 

He came like breeze, went like storm (Part 10)

My heart was beating so loud i could hear that sound and was scared if people around me could too. I was about to meet him, meet the person who broke my heart again and again still managed to root deep enough to make my stomach flip with his name.

I was not sure if i was genuinely happy or just relieved about being able to see the person i loved with all my heart all these years. I was not sure if i was walking or running but by the time i got there i was short of breath. It took me less than 3sec to register him. I was hoping hard that my brain system would have erased him and I should make a call and ask what is he wearing before I could finally say  Hi. But as they say, you don’t forget one you love. Inside my brain his image was as fresh as it was 3 years back.

He was there, flesh and blood. Standing right infront of me in his black and blue attire. I wouldn’t say he was mesmerizing beauty but oh boy he was lovely to look at. We were 50m away from eachother still i wanted to shout and call him “Hero” one last time. I wanted everyone around to know i am finally meeting my hero. Person who loved me when i was nothing but a insane little girl.But well i kept my thought aside and walked upto him though i wanted to run and hug him.

It took me while to register his features, his eyes, his face, his lips, his hands,everything. He looked different in a person, bit calm. I imagined i will have emotional breakdown once i meet him but to my own surprise i was able to pull a normal conversation. I didn’t accuse him of betrayal or asked him where did i lack. I didn’t ask why her and not me. Neither did i ask how was she doing. I wanted that moment only for us. I wanted to watch him and take that view in enough to kill remains of his love inside me. I wanted my brain to convince that person in front of me is not a hero i once knew,he is someone else.

He was trying his best to show interest in my life but i failed to do so. I couldn’t afford getting attached once again. I couldn’t even start taking interest in him because i knew he is toxic. His love would kill me once again and this time I wouldn’t rise I would die.

Our car ride back home was even more awkward than it should be. Tension between us was so thick we had to strike small talk to cut it down. He kept asking questions and i kept answering him like a obedient child. He told me he was happy to see me with someone who makes me happy but I couldn’t say i was happy to see him with her too. I was not.

We both knew what we were and what happened still there was something in that silence which made things easy. We were not ex partners, we were lovers. I loved him with all my heart and i loved him from the day i ever understood what love feels like.

He was my soulmate. He was my Prince Charming. He was everything i ever wished for.

But after meeting him, I realized he would never be able to love me way i want someone to. He wouldn’t let me be me and he was never a hero i dreamed he was. It was my imagination. I exaggerate every small word he ever said to match my definition of perfect lover.

Meeting him helped me erase my dream hero and helped me fo face reality. Now i have no remains of him.

After he broke my heart, I began writing about him. I wrote and I wrote and I’ve described him as a hurricane, a drug, my universe. Now I don’t see him in that way anymore. He was a boy, just a random boy who loved me when it suited him.He wasn’t anything above ordinary, he was just a boy. A boy who didn’t want to be with me and that’s that. That’s all.

Until next time 🙂

-Xoxo

Alisha

An Almost Relationship

“Agh, We are just Dating” we all know this statement,don’t we? We all have either heard them or said them and its okay! Its Okay to date someone you wish to be part of. Its okay, Its fucking okay to figure out if she is the right one for you who can be there to be part of you.

We all know,modern dating scene is the perfect playing field for those who don’t want to get attached, are emotionally closed off, are looking for sex, or otherwise just plain don’t want a relationship.

Then there’s those like me.Idiots like me who doesn’t fit in this modern dating world. People who don’t want to play the game, but fall for those who are just asking you out or I guess its safe to say “who just want to fuck you and your mind for some days and leave you alone to feel miserable”. And so you go along with it, because what else can you do? What else can you do when you have already build imaginary life with them on your head. But you tell yourself it’s okay, that somehow it will work out. You’re different, so it’ll be different. It won’t be a total disaster. You won’t end up cutting your veins even if it didn’t work out, because comeon’ you guys are just “dating”. It’ll be fine, just fine. Against your better judgment, you let your guard down. You talk, you get to know him better, you think God, we’re so compatible. Surely, this will work out in your favor. All in due time.
You take what little he gives you, while you give him all of you. You summoned every thing you ever had.

You give it all away with reckless abandon. You do this despite the uncertainty of it all. You’re leaping off the cliff without knowing if he’s jumping with you. Without knowing if you’ll fall or fly. It’s brave, but it’s also stupid.
You ignore the subtle manipulation, the texts that don’t sit well with you, the low-key disregard he has for you in front of others.

You don’t let yourself dwell on any of this. Instead, you make excuses for him. Because when it’s just the two of you, it’s good. You feel wanted, safe, secure. You live for those soft conversations, his tender touch, and the hope that someday, that will be your every morning and every night.

But he’s not ready. He has excuses. More excuses. Excuses about his job. It’s just a job, you tell him. It’s something we can work around. This, us, this is more meaningful than any job could ever be. Excuses about age. Ours wouldn’t be the first relationship with age gap out there , you say. It’ll be hard, but we can make it work. Because if you want something bad enough, you make it work.

Any normal, sane, practical girl might’ve wised up at this point. But you’re in denial. You’re in too deep. You’ve gotten too attached to the idea of him to face the reality of him.

And then it all blows up. One last request from you for something more, because you’re finally at your breaking point, you’re tired of waiting,wanting and wasting time. And he responds with even more excuses. He says your lives are going in different directions, he’s a workaholic and he doesn’t have a lot of extra time to devote to a relationship, if only you lived next door – it’d be more likely for something to happen. He says you deserve better.

It’s over.
And because it was only an “almost” relationship, you don’t feel as though you have the right to mourn it like a “real” relationship break up.

Only a handful of your friends know about your true involvement with him. Your family definitely doesn’t. You feel ridiculous about wanting to lay in your bed all day and cry. You feel foolish about the whole chain of events – you should have known better. You should have confronted the truth sooner.

At first, you feel raw. You find yourself constantly holding back tears. But when you’re truly alone, the floodgates open. You cry yourself to sleep. You cry in the shower.  It’s hard, but you get through it. Time is your friend. It helps you heal as you pick up the pieces of your heart, alone.

You cry. You blow up his phone. You cuss him out and call him every name in the book. You look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what he didn’t see in you.
Maybe most of all, you’re livid that he gets off scot-free.

What exactly does his not-so-new girlfriend know? Surely, not the whole story, otherwise she wouldn’t be with him, would she?

He gets to move on – he already has – while you have to battle alone with your sadness and your anger.

You have to go about your everyday life like nothing is wrong. Like you’re not totally wrecked.

But deep down, you know you’re worth more than this. That’s what will get you through. He was a lesson worth learning, because you know now that you’re worth more than the distance between two points on a map. You’re worth more than text messages full of empty promises. You deserve more, so much more, than he was willing to give you.

So to all the girls (and guys) out there mourning “almost” relationships: you’re not alone. Be sad. Be mad. Be whatever. You have the right to feel what you feel. Just because your relationship wasn’t Facebook official, doesn’t make it any less meaningful. Just because it was never admitted among people doesn’t mean you never had chance to be one.

And as the days go by, as things get easier, as you make your way through it to the other side, you owe it to yourself to realize your worth. To accept that he (or she) wouldn’t have been able to fulfill your life like you hoped in the beginning. There are better days, and there is better love, ahead.

Maybe after some years from now, you will cross path and see them as they were. Your heart will ache somehow but you say its okay and smile to yourself seeing what you left behind.

And finally, to everyone in this modern “dating” culture: be kind. Be honest. Don’t be an asshole and don’t fuck around with people’s feelings.

Karma is bitch, remember that!

Until Next time

-XOXO

Alisha

I don’t want easy love

You don’t just pull me close, hold my butt and kiss me. Your hands all over me, your lips over mine and your warmth just doesn’t justify us,justify me and justify you being my better half.

I have always been Sun, the center of attraction and i like being that. I like being only thing you longed to come back running and can’t stay away from. I want you to be my home, my paradise and i want you to feel good around me. Within me!

I want you to hold my hand and just breathe the air of relief as if you are back where you belong.I want you to feel like home. That’s all I really want. I want to feel safe with you. When it’s dark out, and we’re walking home, I want you to pull me in a little closer to you, and to know that you’ve got me. I want us to feel like family. The way I felt as a kid in my house growing up.

I want you to describe me as star, compare me to Sun and Saturn and just feel happy about my existence.

Your existence made me feel complete, I worship you for being you and choosing me to share your good and bad memories. If I feel that way, you have to too. I don’t want to be crazy one always, i don’t want to be one calling you and begging to see your face. Show some craze for me,  occupy my time and pray for us.

I am not what everyone has. You should always know difference between gold and gold plated! I don’t pretend, I don’t hide and I don’t have insane issues to talk about. I just want to be happy, around you. With You!

I want us. I want you to include me in your every dream and imagine with you in your future. There is no You and Me. There can never be one. It’s all about Us. If you cannot name our relationship, you don’t have me. Simple as that!

You might fancy me in your bed. I want more, more than anything and more than anyone ever had of you. I want all of you, all those million cells and tissue should be mine. I want to call you mine, Only mine.

Hold on. Hold on to me! There are times  when i want to grab your face with both of my hands and kiss the hell out of you. But I don’t. I can’t seem to make my body do what my heart is feeding it.My lips now touch yours with much more thought and caution than they did before. Because it didn’t really care then.I guess what I’m saying is that now I do. I do care. I want to keep kissing you. And I want you to keep kissing me. When you reach for my hand, you hold it with your heart. I can feel it. And I love that. But it also makes me nervous. I’m nervous to touch you,because my hands are so very new to this. I’m nervous that I might do it wrong. Or that I might do it too right, and make you want more than i can give you right now.

Please hold on.

Hold on to me, because I’m a little unsteady. There are also times when I am also very unsure. They say that when it’s right, you won’t have to question it, because you’ll just know. But will we? I promised myself I would never be a girl who settled for no reason for a mediocre kind of love.They say it’s about loving someone’s flaws. Loving someone because they are a painting of beautifully unique imperfections. But when do you finally hear that their heart is the one that beats in harmony with yours?

Just hold on to me.

Through that door, I’d find people who would scan me and predict. There might be people who would raise their eyes labeling me pretty and that’s never going to stop. There will always be someone fancying me below them and I don’t want you to be one of them.

Please hold on to me!

I love simple pleasures. I love when you tenderly rub my fingers and hold them with so much care. You let me rest my fingers on yours in front of handful people and that what i count. These moments are everything that makes me want to come back to you running.  Make tiny effort.Just get up from your seat and start slow dance with me. I want those crazy moment where you are not ashamed of me doing anything. Pick me up and carry me around.

I want you to listen me, even when I am being melodramatic or whiney. People who would always have my back,no matter what. Someone to say goodnight to: and someone to greet in the morning. People who i knew loved me; for ever and for always.

Will you love me like that? That’s all I really need to know. Because I promise to never love you any less than that. I will be your home.

I Promise ❤

Love me, Just that!

Until next time 🙂

-XOXO
Alisha